3 Weeks 3 Days

The responsibilities of rearing an infant are inherently imbalanced between mom and dad. The imbalance begins during pregnancy, with mom taking on myriad physical hardships while dad's constitution is unchanged. Labor is a massive, painful and exhausting physical challenge for mom, mild weariness for dad. Post-partum, mom's body takes weeks to recover (often from abdominal surgery) while her mind is ravaged by chemical imbalances. If she breastfeeds, she won't be able to string together more than three consecutive hours of sleep for months. No matter what dad does, he will not be able to adequately compensate.

This asymmetry can be toxic when viewed through the eyes of a feminist. Expectations of nurturing equality cannot possibly be met the first couple months, fostering animosity from mom towards dad. Like a basketball team that believes the refs are officiating unfairly, this inequality can become a counterproductive fixation. In turn, a well-intentioned dad may feel inappropriately persecuted: it is rather discouraging to try your best and be told it's not good enough. The couples I know whose relationships remained healthiest through infancy hold relatively antiquated views of gender equality and parental structure.

During the day, Elias cries for comprehensible and correctable reasons - hunger, dirty diapers, discomfort. During the night, his tears are often indiscernible and implacable. He usually melts down around 8 PM and returns to a standard eat/wake/sleep cycle around 2 AM. This period of distress doesn't appear connected to nutritional or environmental factors (though we sure do grasp at a lot of potential straws). This is standard colic.

Melissa goes to bed at 9 and I take Eli until dawn. I get the vast majority of the tears while she sleeps and pumps. This arrangement was set pragmatically. I am a natural night owl and Melissa (and her breasts) can scratch out a little more rest if she can pump from bed rather than get up and feed and change the boy. I am better equipped to engage the weapons I discussed in my last post.

Our relationship has improved since we came to this arrangement. It is a way to correct some of the imbalance. Melissa is sleeping more, and she isn't fixated on unfairness. My ears take a bit of a beating each night, but it is a small price to pay for a happier wife. Research repeatedly shows families are happiest when mom and dad prioritize each other over their children. Melissa is doing better. As a result, so am I.