4 Months 5 Days

We have a healthy, happy and extremely cute 4 month-old who hates sleeping.

It is ruining our lives.

Melissa thinks I'm overdramatic when I say this. I'm just telling it like it is. His lack of sleep is drastically lowering our quality of life every day. There is no getting around it. It's hard not to think about how much better our lives would be if Eli slept through the night. He wakes up at least thrice each night to eat and/or "party." Last night, out of nowhere, he decided he would bawl his head off if we ever took our hands off him and stuck to that all night. Tonight he has decided the same. 

Out of some combination of heroism, pragmatism and desperation, Melissa graciously offered to sleep with him in bed tonight while I sleep downstairs. I couldn't be more grateful. But this is not a longterm solution for my valiant wife.

3 Months 28 Days

There is a lot I want to post here, to capture this unique time in all of our lives. I say unique cause we do plan on just Eli - a decision I hope to write about someday. I hope to write about all our decisions and experiences. But I am usually pretty shot by the night, the time I would write. Rarely do I feel capable of quality writing - only short explicative sentences. I suppose that's better than nothing, so here's what's going on:

- Eli is doing well. His colic is gone. He still cries a lot, but there is usually an explanation behind it. He's been a bit sick and already has teeth coming in, so there has been plenty of discomfort of late. He's a brave boy, but has struggled to settle and stay settled the last few weeks. 

- He still wakes up at least twice each night to feed, roughly around midnight and 3 A.M. The rough part is he usually then wakes up again multiple times between 4 and 6 A.M. Those two hours are ruining our days. No matter how you shake it, that's an awful time to be awake, with a devastating ripple of exhaustion felt throughout the day. Melissa doesn't nap. I spend most mornings coveting one, and sometimes don't get it. 

- Eli is extremely cute. Of course I'm biased, but I think he's 10/10 cute. Commercial cute. I feel like we're missing a financial opportunity here. This baby could be the golden goose.

- I didn't realize how much Bailey was stressing me out. I was anxious all the time without fully comprehending it. I was constantly thinking about his plight, which meant my brain didn't have the capacity to comfortably ponder other things. Now when Eli goes to sleep, I feel a relaxation I'd forgotten existed. I miss Bailey, of course, but I don't miss the anxiety of caring for him. 

- Melissa has been in an intense period of work and school, logging big hours in hospitals and classrooms. Grandma assistance has been clutch. Still, I've had a number of brutal days that have left me mentally bankrupt.

- I am contemplating a major career change, surely in large part cause I have been losing at NFL DFS. Over the last few days I've decided a career change would be beneficial, but it's not time to embark on another novel venture. When Eli is sleeping consistently and/or in day care, I plan to make a big move.

3 Months 11 Days

We said goodbye to Bailey yesterday. It is so hard to determine when to make that choice. As expressive as Bailey was, it was tough to tell if his days were net-positive or not. He was still getting a lot of pleasure out of meals, cuddles and scratches. We took him to our wonderful vet a couple weeks ago to have a look and discuss options. We considered doing it then, but it appeared Bailey wasn't ready on that day. We switched his meds up slightly and got a beneficial response. He even hopped onto the couch one night.

The short-term response from the meds faded as expected, Bailey's struggles increased and we went in. I'm sure it was the right time. I have no regrets about the decision or the process. It was necessary, peaceful and deeply loving. 

We are experiencing intense but unconflicted grief. There is no anxiety, no discord, no misgiving. There is only the sadness of missing a dear friend, knowing a wonderful life has come to an end.

I'm grateful Eli got to meet him. I wish the boy could have memories of Bailey. Eli did see and acknowledge his presence, so perhaps some of that sweet dog's essence was passed on to our child.